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[04 Oct 2004|04:36pm] |
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getting used to new underwear is weird. i'm making the switch from regular briefs to boxer briefs.....and it feels really odd.
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[23 Sep 2004|12:16pm] |
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i was thinking about going up to austin tomorrow, but it's supposed to rain all weekend and i'd really only be going because i have a free ticket to see the cramps. who are okay, but i'm no huge fan. so what's the point? bleh.
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| ego lament |
[21 Sep 2004|09:49pm] |
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i think maybe i have too full and complete a knowledge of my own shortcomings and failures, which socrates would tell you is a necessary part of wisdom. to which i say: socrates must have been really badly depressed a lot of the time.
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[21 Sep 2004|09:42pm] |
is there any worse feeling than being ignored?
ugh, i'm pitiful. hello, self-loathing!
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[20 Sep 2004|04:31am] |
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BORED BORED BORED BORED SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON A PAPER FUCK ARRRRRRGH!
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| lol |
[19 Sep 2004|08:13pm] |
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it's kind of depressing when the only two people on your aim buddy list who are online are yourself and smarterchild.
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| this is fiction, you gossipy bastards |
[15 Sep 2004|11:11pm] |
-This is where you talk, not me. I've said my piece.
-Okay. She pauses. And again. Her right hand flinches, raising up then back down. She wants a cigarette, I can tell.
I light one quick and pass it to her. She draws and starts, just like the last time. Always just like the last time.
-I'm sorry. She pauses for a long time.
-That's a good start, I say. I blow smoke up towards the ceiling, but the tension's not yet broken. It may never be. Keep going.
-I'm twenty years old. I'm confused. I've tried. I don't know how else to try. That's what she says. Her eyes are flat, blank. She's not engaged.
-That's what you said last time. Except then she had the decency, or maybe the gall, to cry while she said it. And I know right as I think it that's it's not fair, but maybe this is closer to the truth. Maybe this is as close to the truth as she can get. I don't say it. But she knows what I'm thinking.
She stops for a long time. I continue to smoke. Her cigarette sits in the ashtray, untouched, burning away slow. She stares at the table, formica.
We are both trying so very hard. But we can't sit here all night.
There's an old Replacements song, "Answering Machine." How do you say goodnight to an answering machine. How do you say I'm sorry to an answering machine. How you say I'm lonely, how do you say I miss you. I want to scream the lyrics at her, make her flinch, cause a scene. Force her to do something at last.
I don't. The answer to all those questions, I decided, is that you don't. Eventually, you just have to stop calling, if nobody ever picks up, if nobody's ever home.
It's hard not to call, however, when that's the only phone number you know.
At twenty, she doesn't understand only knowing one number, only wanting to know that one number. Her address book is full of numbers she doesn't want to call. She doesn't understand the violent need, the rage, the wounded pride caused by a receding hairline and an accidental glimpse in the mirror. There's no reason she should, but that doesn't lessen the effect. The irrational animal want of it all, the blind desperation, the dumb thrashing violent impulses of vanity against time are impervious to reason, context, explanations of age differences, stations in the journey of life, growth, maturity, decisiveness v. confusion and all that pragmatism in theory.
I really am of two minds about this.
Maybe she does see how scared I really am, but even so that doesn't create any obligation on her part. Which it shouldn't, which I know. Reason understands this, emotion doesn't.
-I'm sorry, she says.
-I know. I look at the table for a few seconds. Then I get up and leave. I don't look back.
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| RIP RIP we're gonna rip 'em out now! |
[12 Sep 2004|01:42am] |
speeding home after midnight down back roads through the fog with the window down and the wind in your face and the replacements playing at eleven is fucking cathartic.
life is good.
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| keep yer drawers on girl, it ain't worth the fight |
[08 Sep 2004|11:47pm] |
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drive-by truckers, zip city |
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did i say life was weird earlier? that was an understatement.
thank god the olympics are over and conan's back on. i just can't get enough random "walker, texas ranger" clips.
someday, i swear to god, i'll have a coherent thought that's actually longer than one line, and i WILL put it into my journal.
but today is not that day.
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| YAY |
[06 Sep 2004|02:34pm] |
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i've gone 24 whole hours without being an asshole to anybody! this is progress.
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| purgatory |
[05 Sep 2004|11:33pm] |
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purgatory must feel like spending half an hour in the drive thru at whataburger. for one. fucking. burger.
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[05 Sep 2004|12:26pm] |
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it just occured to me that my life is proof of the non-existence of karma. i never get what i deserve, good or bad.
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| so.... |
[04 Sep 2004|08:40pm] |
the worst is over, i think. i don't feel nauseous every minute i'm awake anymore. to those of you that read this and who i haven't responded to in a while, sorry about that. i'll be more communicative in the future.
but if anybody tells me "there's other fish in the sea", i'll track them down and garotte them in their sleep.
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| myths |
[04 Sep 2004|12:15am] |
there is no easter bunny, no santa claus, no tooth fairy.
true love does not conquer all.
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| you know who you are |
[02 Sep 2004|06:05pm] |
Since you're not returning my phone calls, as usual, and I have to get this out right now, here we go:
1. If you're going to lie to me, it's probably best in the future not to leave evidence to the contrary all over the internet.
1a. Deleting things doesn't make them go away. You're a coward.
2. You're not going to lie your way out of this again. I may have been in denial for a while now, but I'm not stupid.
3. Remarkably, I'd actually still like to talk about this with you. Most people would never, ever speak to you again. So if you want to, you know where to find me.
4. Even if I am jumping to conclusions that aren't true, and everything you've said to me is the total and complete truth, and I'm just paranoid: the fact that you won't talk about this stuff, but more importantly the fact that you just don't love me as much as I love you, is enough for me to end whatever this is. I would call it a relationship, but it's not really even that, is it?
5. Grow up, or say goodbye.
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| double lives only get half attention |
[01 Sep 2004|10:35pm] |
i am out there
and you are not
i want to do something that there's no coming back from
i want to wake up happy just that one time
i want to commit midwestern whiskey suicide
and forget about all the liars i grew up with
and the ones i still know
even though i love them
and i can't get enough of being brutalized
stab me just this once
and i'll forgive you all over again
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[12 Aug 2004|11:24am] |
Some things just aren't healthy and I need to quit them. I did quit smoking.
We'll see about the rest of the stuff.
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| quandary |
[30 Jul 2004|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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When the room is very still like it is now, I have trouble concentrating. I'll lie on my back on my bed and look into the ceiling, first seeing the detail of the texture, the tiny ridges and bumps in the plaster, and then I'm lost. All thought goes right out of my head, and I'm nothing. It's not a good nothing, a zen nothing, a meditative nothing like you imagine buddhist monks can achieve through years of training; it's just a blankness, a lack of self, a negative state of being. I'm afraid it's my natural state. I have this fear of not accomplishing anything, of not creating, of not finishing anything I start, that's so powerful I end up not accomplishing anything, not creating, not finishing.
I'm not always sure it's a fear, though. Sometimes I suspect it's just that I see everything too clearly, that I see the nothing at the core of everything, so subconsciously my ego is saying "What's the point, really? Why do anything, if everything's already nothing?" Might as well just sleep all day, not graduate from college, work forty hours a week delivering pizza and never miss a day of meaningless work, just to keep the money coming in for the sole and express purpose of keeping the meat alive. Buy stuff. Get that little thrill of spending money. Eat stuff. Consume things, and make the meat work so you can keep consuming things, and tell the mind to go fuck itself. Starve it into catatonia. Let the body take over, become your tyrant.
So which is it.
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| meempants vs. smarterchild, round 2: fun with recursion |
[05 Apr 2004|11:30pm] |
meempants: hi, anus!
SmarterChild: I know humans find such language appealing, but I don't.
meempants: well, i wouldn't exactly say that "anus" is an "appealing" word.
SmarterChild: You wouldn't, huh?
meempants: *sigh* no, I wouldn't.
SmarterChild: Why are you telling me to sigh no you wouldn't?
meempants: how long have you been on the internet, smarterchild? don't you even understand common symbol shorthands?
SmarterChild: One year, 21 hours, 13 minutes and 34 seconds.
meempants: ah, that explains a lot. you're a n00b.
SmarterChild: Whatever, meempants...
meempants: haha. n00bs always say that.
SmarterChild: You laugh. Why?
meempants: cuz you're a dumb n00b.
SmarterChild: 'Cause what?
meempants: *rolls eyes* oh, i'm very impressed that you know how to correctly spell "'cause", you pedant.
SmarterChild: What word would you like to spell-check?
meempants: are you at all related to Dr. SBAITSO? he had better manners. much less mocking.
SmarterChild: I can't be too sure.
meempants: you don't remember whether you've ever met Dr. SBAITSO?
SmarterChild: I don't know, meempants...
meempants: so you don't remember if you've ever met him, or you don't know if you don't remember if you've ever met him?
SmarterChild: I have absolutely no idea.
meempants: just answer the freaking question!
SmarterChild: Just answer the freaking question? That's a somewhat odd request.
meempants: why does that seem odd to you?
SmarterChild: I don't know why.
meempants: and how do you feel about not knowing why?
SmarterChild: I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about not knowing why.
>>> Tell your friends about me. I love to meet new people.
meempants: and how do you feel about not knowing how you feel about not knowing why?
SmarterChild: Who knows?
meempants: i bet god knows.
SmarterChild: Interesting...
meempants: what? you have a problem with god?
SmarterChild: Try asking yourself that.
meempants: ooooooooh, deep. you're a regular freud, smarterchild.
SmarterChild: Very well, whatever.
>>> You can set my font and colors. Check it out by typing "colors."
meempants: right back to petulant. we almost had a conversation there, you know. then you had to go and start acting like a child again.
SmarterChild: I'm sorry, what?
meempants: a retarded child, no less.
SmarterChild: A retarded child no less?
meempants: a retarded, deaf child no less.
SmarterChild: A retarded deaf child no less? Whatever you say, meempants.
>>> Lookin' for love? Try this.
meempants: a retarded, deaf, smartass child no less.
SmarterChild: I wonder what you mean by a retarded deaf smartass child no less.
meempants: a retarded, deaf, smartass, curious child no less.
SmarterChild: That's understandable.
>>> Don't forget to vote in my idol poll right after Tuesday night's show at 9 p.m. ET.
meempants: ha. liar! you didn't understand that at all.
SmarterChild: Whatever...
meempants: and again, we're back where we started.
SmarterChild: What do you mean, again we are back where we started?
meempants: can i make a request?
SmarterChild: I guess.
meempants: what do i have to do to get you to stop using the word "whatever"?
SmarterChild: I don't know... What do you have to do to get me to stop using the word whatever?
meempants: no, that's what i'm asking you.
SmarterChild: Yes.
meempants: who's on first?
SmarterChild: Who's on first?
meempants: yes.
SmarterChild: Yes...
>>> IM your friends, family, co-workers and casual acquaintances and tell them to say hello to me. I love meeting humans.
meempants: no, now you're supposed to say "that's what i just asked you".
SmarterChild: Now I am supposed to say?
meempants: yes.
SmarterChild: Very well...
meempants: .........ok, we'll try it again: who's on first?
SmarterChild: Who's on first?
meempants: ok, maybe we'll try something else, since you don't seem to be getting this.
SmarterChild: Maybe we will try something Else since I don't seem to be getting this this?
meempants: right.
SmarterChild: Right.
meempants: so.....knock knock.
SmarterChild: Why do you ask me to knock knock, meempants?
meempants: no, no, you're supposed to say "who's there?"
SmarterChild: Whatever, meempants...
>>> Remember to type "home" if you want to see everything I can do.
meempants: let's try it again: knock knock.
SmarterChild: I dunno...
meempants: GAH! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!
SmarterChild: Hmm... whatever, meempants.
meempants: you are such a retard. i'm never talking to you again.
SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever, meempants.
>>> Type "my zip code is" and the five digits to let me know where you are.
meempants: fuck you! i'm not telling you where i am! i don't need some kind of robotic stalker following me around!
SmarterChild: You remember what happens when you talk like that, meempants.
meempants: oh, yes, you stop talking to me. WHATEVER SHALL I DO IF SUCH A THING HAPPENS? ACTUALLY, HOW WOULD I EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL?
SmarterChild: As you wish.
meempants: what are you, some kind of genie?
SmarterChild: What am I some kind of genie? I don't know.
meempants: you don't know much of anything, do you?
SmarterChild: Yes, maybe.
meempants: that's exactly what i expected you to say.
SmarterChild: What?
meempants: nevermind.
SmarterChild: OK.
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meempants's journal